The Misunderstanding.....

by RayLee, Thursday, July 30, 2026, 07:59 (15 hours, 50 minutes ago)

Once upon a time I was a great fan of police procedural novels. I particularly enjoyed those penned by an author surnnamed of lombino under the byline of hunter and mcbain. I was given one of those books for my fortieth birthday and was happy with it until I read two of the characters (cops) discussing (disparangly) southrons and our speech patterns and tendencies. It was then I discovered for the first time (at 40) a phenomena referred to as the so-called "pen/pin shift".

It seems that we southrons consider the words "pen" and "pin" as homophones and northerners get a good laugh at that. When you get a northerner to explain the differences they invariably, at least to my ears, treat "pen" and "pan" as homophones. They insist that there is a very subtle difference but, with my gunfire damaged hearing I cannot discern it.

The vast difference between southrons and northerners re. this subject is that we do not quite make fun at you all as heartily or as often for saying "pen" and "pan" the same like you all do us for pronouncing "pen" and "pin" alike. It is a subject of what the linguists refer to as schwa. I don't claim to understand it all at all but what I understand the professors to be saying is that vowels ain't always pronounced the way you'd think they should.

The "shift" part of all this apparently is the indefinite geographic zone delineating the different iterations. Now i know some of you learned folk opine that the term "iteration" is incorrect in the previous sentence but I took the time to look it up. According to the online dictionary, iteration is a synonym for verbiage and one of the definitions of verbiage is...."the way in which something is expressed; wording or diction.". Where was I ?

Oh, the so-called "shift". In the slightly east of the center of our great nation it is the ohio river that bounds the schwaery of pin/pan on the north shore and pen/pin on its southern shore. Cincinnati folk schwaing it one way and across the bridge Covington folk schwaing it another is but one (or is that two ?) example(s).

I bring up Cincinnati/Covington because it was there that this whole schwaery issue just about got me in trouble. I was there for a conference/convention in my line of work and my employer had graciously financed the whole trip. The whole trip was boring and uneventful with the exception of the following.....

One evening supper time found me in a steakhouse and the waitress was quite the looker. The red name tag on her blue apron advised she was Brenda. No, not beautiful in the classic covergirl sense and certainly on the wrong side of thirty with many miles on the odometer in the social sense, but she sure had the appeal and knew how to use it. She was one of those gals who could easily rake in $80 to $100 in tips even on a slow night just with smile and a sideways look with arched eyebrows and an easy swivel of her moneymaker.

I had just chosen my cut of cow and doneness thereof and type of spud when she asked in a sultry purr, "you want any vag with that ?" .....pronouncing it vahgzs in such seductive marilyn monroeish breathless delivery that I had little doubt that I was being propositioned for an after-work assignation.

I was struck momentarily speechless and had a brief memory lapse of inconsequential things such as marriage vows and sunday school lessons and fire/brimstone sermons. The.latent hound dog in me was waking and stretching and yawning. As stupid and unreasonable as it sounds, thoughts of letting this wench have her way with me was actually foremost in my thoughts. I said in an juvenile, optimistic voice that did not even sound like myself, "Yes ! I think I will indeed have some vag with that after all." I had no sooner got that out when an electric gong of sorts sounded..... much like the doink-doink you often hear on the telly on certain criminal investigation episodes..

"My shift's over." said Brenda. "You keep thinking about that vag and Jennifer will be here in just a sec. to finish taking your order." and she left with not even a phone number or address scribbled on a napkin.

"But wait ! " I protested to the empty space that she had just occupied. I was definitely let down and I think I actually cussed out loud when in wadled Jennifer, an obese whopper in the same styled blue wait-livery that Brenda had worn......there was just a whole lot more of Jennifer than there had been of Brenda.

"Okay, I've got an iced tea and flatiron, medium-well with fries." said Jennifer. "Have you decided on which veggie you want with that ?"