Hoes, Shovels and Rakes and Other Implements of destruction.....

A grange hall with a great, once elaborately painted sign, now much grimed with tobacco smoke hang over the dais that warned "ABSOLUTELY NO DISCUSSION OF RELIGION, POLITICS and GAMES !"..... full of geezers, codgers and curmudgeons and a few sugarfooted knowitalls. The topic was killing serpents. Some argued just to leave them alone. Some allowed that only vipers be accosted. A distinct minority insisted on a thorough and complete herpecide regardless of toxicity.

All agreed that a fowling piece, medium dimensioned shot and adequate intervening distance was safest.

But most, on compromise of portability, seemed to prefer those excellent handgun shotsells manufactured near the confluence of the snake (irony) and lewis rivers, admitting and accepting the short range handicap.

The elder midwesterners and southrons in overalls dissented....if you have to get that close, a hoe or shovel should suffice.

The fat blowhard with a big hat was adamant that at such a close range, you might as well use a heavy sixgun and real slugs. He was of a good size and looked like a cross between slim pickens and jack elam but he just couldn't pull-off the act, being of great plains scandinavian stock, sounding much like lawrence welk. (a one a two....)

A real texican who had the hat and correct voice but lacked the size admitted to once preferring bullets to fine shot for killing snakes but the fact that the chihuahuan desert will shoot back at you quite dangerously (ricochet), he recommended it no longer....as he pulled-up the cuff of his jeans enough to show the .45 sized puckered scar on a shin and the surgical grade stainless steel studs still remaining exposed where the temporary external splint once attached.

Then there were some from all over our great land who had had home invasions of the scaley beasts. Again, the consensus leaned toward very fine shot of the crimped and plastic capsuled .22 specialty rounds to minimize danger and damage in areas too confined for gardening implements.

Finally the grange master gavelled the meeting to a close, whispering to the historian to add snake killing to the conventional conversational prohibitions of religion and politics and sports.

we were invited to a high dollar wedding soiree at a high-faluting resort about 230 miles eastward. It was the first time that I had ever heard of a "no children allowed" event. That caveat greatly caused a great rift in the family(s) so I scented dramatic discussions escalating into ugliness fueled by champagne & cocktails and decided to stay home.

The bridegroom's half-brothers and several cousins and other kin....somewheres between a dozen and a score of them were peace officers and jailers of various sorts and felt obligated to be armed despite the fact that they planned to get their snoots full on free beverages. Then a hysteric feminine voice screamed "snake" ! They rushed towards the frantic hubbub to find a giant snake of the nonvenomous king or indigo or coachwhip variety trapped by about the middle of its length in a conduit/piping knockout of a hvac unit for one of the resort's rooms.

No one ever kenned just who shot first or even just how many fired or the total number of rounds expended but the hvac unit was riddled by .40 & 9mm and quite a few passed through it and the wall into the room. The snake was unhurt by the projectiles but managed to cut itself into whilst writhing against the sharp-edged hole that trapped it. Obviously the local law was summoned and arrests were made but we never heard of the judicial outcomes. The "nephew" bridegroom (first cousin once removed) had to pay for damages above the already exorbitant cost but the bride's wealthy father (atlanta television weatherman) actually was bankrolling it all.

Like I said, all this was hearsay scuttlebutt to me as I wisely stayed home but if I had been there I could have responded in an efficient and safe manner with a mini .22 5-shot revolver with the first two chambers loaded with blue capsules.